Sometimes, some days I feel fine. Maybe things will be ok (whatever that actually looks like), maybe I’m finding this weird place of acceptance of how life now looks.
And then it just kind of hits you out of nowhere. Except it’s not out of nowhere because it’s been there all along just hiding, waiting to creep back to the surface.
But I don’t really know why it comes out. Maybe its the exhaustion or another piece of hard news, but then I feel guilty. Because I feel like I should just be grateful about the fact that he is still here and we get to fight this fight. Because so many parents don’t get to fight this fight anymore. But then enters the fear and frustration and exhaustion and maybe guilt because I feel like I should’ve seen it coming but I didn’t.
It’s like, when you’re standing in the middle of the road and there’s a truck coming straight at you.
But you just don’t see it.
Until it hits you.
And then boom your life is changed forever and you’re left trying to sort out the pieces to a puzzle.
Except no one knows what the big picture looks like so you’re piecing together a puzzle having no idea what the heck it’s actually supposed to look like. And that’s just life, too. But with so much more intensity because things keep trying to smudge up the pieces.
And everybody tells you to just keep going, you’re doing wonderful, but you feel lost.
Oh, and now you’re supposed to somehow not panic whenever anything comes up. Despite you feeling like you missed this giant semi truck coming right at you before and you had absolutely no idea.
So how are you supposed to navigate something so intricate with almost no guidelines?
One day, one moment, one problem at a time I suppose.
But goodness does it get exhausting.
And some days are better than others.
But please don’t enter any cheesy Christian Cliches, because they don’t actually help.